Cui bono ?

As per tradition, I commemorate my 44th birthday with a little bit of spilling my thoughts like I sometimes spill my coffee when I rush to drink it.

I think this year, I've probably accumulated the greatest amount of resentments towards several people and situations, including ones that technically, are quite far removed from my sphere of influence.

I look at the world as it is at present...the countries where I've come from and the one in which I currently live and I mirror the sentiments of my late father. 

"What a mess!"

There isn't a single world/country leader I respect. Some I give some credit compared to others, but all are void of any real character. I wouldn't follow any of them into a war.  

Honour is for the movies.

Sincerity is for the books.

And as my mother always quoted her late father (in Magyar): A dog barks, but money talks.

And money has been doing the talking for a very long time.

The question of the past several decades of my life that I've explored in and out of consciousness is pertinent to today's Artificial Emotion.

"How much is too much and how far is too far?"

Here is the answer finally: 

Too much is more than you actually need and too far is more than you can actually travel.

In short. You don't need another ski vacation, or another yacht, or a home Jacuzzi. You don't need the latest technology car or phone. You don't need the latest fashion or the next event. You need good shelter, good food and good people around you. Those three things help keep you healthy. You need access to collective knowledge, medical intervention and a living wage from work that keeps you busy. You also need purpose and that comes from a combination of the things mentioned above plus a core belief in something bigger than your own ego.

There's no need to go too far to achieve those basic things. Too far is when you go beyond the boundary of what is necessary and into the domain of MORE. I look at the current leadership and I see the vast distances travelled in the quest for MORE. More resources, more influence, more money and more power.

And I also hear those other tiny voices screaming for so-called social justice, while they broadcast themselves on the internet.

Cui bono?

Who benefits?

Being willing to leave a partner behind in order to benefit from more comfort. Wealth over love. Pleasure over friendship. Money over family. 

The individual benefits; elite groups benefit; men and women already in positions of power benefit.

The asshole benefits.

There was a time when the average person had more thoughts to share within another person or within their community. Humour was often used to break the ice in social interactions.

Now most of what we do is mindless small talk aimed at keeping up appearances. Maintaining the status quo. The only smart people are on podcasts, rapidly untouchable by their rising fame. Intelligence and meaning, is always somewhere other than in one's own entourage.

We're all afraid to step on sensitive ego's and weak dispositions but at the same time lacking anyway the education of tact and diplomacy to enjoy greater expressive freedom. The curse of mediocrity.

Personally, behind the scenes, I've quit the polite banter and I have very little sympathy left for weakness.

If that isolates me from the rest of the noise, then so be it.

I prefer the silence.

I've reached a point of counter-culture that goes well beyond the initial Goth phase of: You all wear green, I'll just wear black.

Every rule, explicit or implicit, imposed by either the government or a personal relation begets a visceral, gag reflex.

I have zero respect for rules that keep changing and a disgust for people with false righteousness and manipulative dispositions.

Rather be cruel but truthful than kind, and a liar.

My father wasn't optimistic about the future before he died. I used to argue with him on that point.

Now that he's no longer here to wish me a happy birthday, I'm no longer able to argue against it.

But for the sake of my children, who represent my greatest "social" achievement and almost my entire purpose in life, I'll keep the candle of hope lit and pass it on to them before I'm on the way out.